Today just sucked completely.

Jeez, what a pain in the ass. I don't know whether I should feel angry, upset, frustrated, sad... I pretty much feel all of these things. I just want to crawl in a hole and stay there.

To begin, I'll start with my dressing change. It actually went pretty smoothly, considering my past experiences. The only thing was that when he was taking out the needle and putting a new one in, it hurt like hell! I don't understand why; I didn't even feel it last week. The site looked good, no sign of infection, so I'm not worried. But it sucked. And because of where my port is, he has to awkwardly cover it with tegaderm like 3 times to fully cover it, and then the stuff ends up in between my boobs, all across my breast, and inside my armpit. Not very fun. Especially when you're semi-allergic to the tegaderm and the dressing irritates your skin. Itches in all the wrong places.

So then came my PCM appointment. I was dreading this because I knew I'd come out upset and disappointed in anything he'd have to say. Remember my list of things I was going to talk to him about? Yeah, well. That didn't really happen in detail. My appointment was at 2, and we left there at like 2:40... I don't feel like this doctor actually cares about me, honestly. My last PCM dropped my case because she couldn't handle it, was too emotionally attached. And now this one doesn't even spend a lot of time with me. I'm living with a chronic illness that has no cure, and he's up here in his little chair, typing away notes and talking 99 to nothin', when all I really need right now is someone to tell me everything's okay. Whatever.

So basically, he told me he doesn't recommend a g-tube, because of my surgeries I've had, but to ask my GI doctor because "he'll know more about this kind of thing" ...okay. Then when I told him I was concerned about my weight and tweaking my TPN, he just told me that my case manager will get with the pharmacist or something. That doesn't seem like something she would do. HE'S my fucking doctor, why isn't HE discussing these things with the pharmacist?! Everything else involved New York and Hirano, and even still we didn't get very far there.
We didn't schedule another appointment. I don't know what I'm going to do.

I'm upset because I thought maybe I found something that could help me (g-tube), only to have my suggestion essentially shot down. I know my GI doc will do the same, and now that I actually realize how much of a risk I am, I feel like the only thing I can do is wait to die.
I'm so sick of it all. I don't even want to go to any appointments anymore.