I am one pissed off little woman right now. There seems to be so much going wrong nowadays and it just doesn't help that I'm losing control of my bowels. I swear, it's probably the worst and most embarrassing part of my situation, even worse than the pain and discomfort I feel on a daily basis.
This morning I woke up, unhooked, went back to sleep. I felt terrible, I was bloated because I ate last night, so I knew either I was going to throw up or I would eventually have to run to the bathroom. So I was waiting to see what would happen, I guess. Needless to say, my bowels woke me up from the nice sleep I was in, and I ended up having to wash my undies and yoga pants. Clean up on isle couch. Actually, I didn't make a mess on the couch, thank god. But it was enough to have to change clothes.
How embarrassing all this is. John came to check on me and asked if I needed anything, and got me a change of clothes. I'm so happy I have him, and I'm so glad he's never made fun of me for shitting myself. It's not fun. And I feel like a damn old lady who needs diapers. It's bad enough I have to depend on panty liners and pads all the time now.
Anyway, I've been constantly running to the bathroom all day, and it's usually an every day thing. It's terrible. I'm almost always thinking about it and worrying about going in public. Especially when I have a lot of appointments in one day. Have you ever seen someone have to actually hold their ass in order to keep from losing control? Yeah, that's me. I'm the girl who shits all the time. Go ahead and laugh it up, Karma's a bitch.
So this is one of the reasons I'm going to talk to my doctor about getting a Gtube put in. I'm hoping having it will allow me to drain my stomach and eliminate the chances of having so many accidents all the time. I'm so glad I haven't lost control of my bladder yet. I would hate to have to cath myself, or cath period... I've had so many UTIs from the catheters in the hospital. That would suck. And they're so uncomfortable.
Back to my shitty day (pun intended). I had two appointments today, one audiology, and one for my SSI/Disability interview. The audiology one went well, as always. Dr. Illif is awesome. I won't see him again for another 6 months. The SSI one, however, sucked immensely. It didn't take long for us to be called, to the waiting part was fine. But during the appointment, we learned that I'm not eligible for either SSI nor SSDI. Why? Because of my work history not being extensive enough and because of John's base income.
What the flying fuck.
It's not fair!! They don't even consider my medical problems until I'm already accepted. That's complete bullshit. And here's a kicker! John would be eligible for an extra $900 a month because he can't work his normal job. So he'd get disability, but I can't get jack shit because I'm married to him. Seriously. I'm over here dying of an illness that has no cure, and he can get $900 because he can't lift a box.
I'm not complaining about him being able to get that extra money. By all means, please let us get it. But it doesn't seem right that they only consider income and past work experience to be eligible for anything. Especially since the income they consider isn't even the income we actually receive. No, he doesn't even see that $6000 a month. We only get about $1500 a month, and all of that goes to groceries and bills. We haven't been able to put any money in savings. What the fuck are we gonna do when he gets out?!
I'm just so mad right now. Stressed out, worried. And that does absolutely nothing for my illness. It only makes things worse. So why can't something, just one thing, go right for once?
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