Today is one of those days where I can't stop throwing up. It's been a good two weeks since I last barfed, and then Monday it happened once, and I was okay. Nausea has been all over me since, and the night before last I jolted awake and vomited on the floor and had to run to the bathroom. Now today, I woke up feeling nauseous as hell, took my pills, and went and threw them up. Played my game for a bit, went to use the bathroom, and then instantly got nauseous again. Turned around and barfed. By two o'clock I was already exhausted from throwing up all morning, so, still nauseous, I went to sleep for 2 hours.

It is now 5:16pm and I just spent an hour in the bathroom vomiting, dry heaving, and then brushing my teeth.

I didn't tell you guys, but... I had gained 4 lbs in the last 2 weeks. I was at 68 lbs. They're adjusting my TPN. I guess my body is trying to tell me that I can't gain anymore. Because now I weigh 62.8 lbs.
I feel like crying.

My mom's birthday was yesterday. I called her, but we didn't talk long because I can never understand people on the phone. I'm probably going to write to her soon, hopefully I will be able to regain the strength in my hand.

I got my AFOs finally the other day! I'm very happy with them, and I didn't want to take them off until they started hurting. My feet are too bony, so the brace up against my bone in my feet kills me. We're going back Tuesday to try and fix it.

Anyway, here's a picture:

Gotta love that derp face.

I'm hoping to go to Glen Eyrie again, this time for tea. I just need to figure out John's schedule...

So, what have I been doing with time other than throwing up and whining about it? Playing video games, reading the Bible, and sleeping.

Not all that enlightening. Hoping to see some movies in the upcoming days/weeks, including Prisoners, Don Jon, and Runner Runner... But the only one that John wants to see in theatres is Don Jon, and he doesn't even want to see Prisoners. So... whatever.

I'll just go wherever he goes I guess.

I'm tired.

I am so tired. I don't know for sure if it's the gabapentin or that I'm actually just plain tired. I haven't had the greatest couple of days. Yesterday and this morning I woke up with soiled clothes. I had to wake John up both times for help. I'll have to buy more underwear because I've ruined so many. I don't think people understand how embarrassed I am of myself now. I almost don't like going out anymore because we have to drag my wheelchair out, and I feel like I'm in everyone's way.

How do you adjust to a life of illness and disability when all you've known for 17 years has been semi-normal? I thought it'd be easier than this.

John and I are getting sick of each other, I think. We had a fight the other day, it was stupid. I was being a bitch and he was holding everything in... It ended with him throwing my phone through a wall. We didn't talk to each other for a couple hours, and then he acted like nothing was wrong. I'm still kind of irked at him for that, and I try to get him to open up with me more, but I know he won't. I told him I think we need a break, and he agrees, but we can't take one because I need him. I just don't know how much he needs me...

This whole thing is frustrating for everyone involved. That's one reason I don't want to move back home. Everyone will have to take care of the sick bitch in the wheelchair. Want to go somewhere? Gotta take the sick bitch with us. The sick bitch shit herself again, gotta clean it up. Watch out, she might barf on you.

There has been quite a lot of rain here in the last few days. Flooding all over Colorado. I like it, but the flooding really gets in the way. I won't be able to go see the horses tomorrow because I don't want my wheelchair getting stuck. (oh, did I mention I'm seeing them again?)

I've been praying... But I haven't felt God for a while, to be honest. It seems like I give up more often than not now. I always want to cry, and I'm always on edge. Yesterday we went out to a Chinese buffet for dinner, and it was raining really hard on the way home. I guess John hit a dip in the highway and I had I small anxiety attack. I was hyperventilating all the way home. I've become more and more scared of things, like driving. I don't drive, obviously, but my body immediately tenses up when I get in the car. Maybe I'm just still afraid of dying, and the car has nothing to do with it.

Grocery shopping day. I hope it goes better than the last time we went.

I'm not sure how to start this. I don't remember what I mentioned in my last post, if I mentioned anything about this at all...

I've been talking to a doctor in London, Dr. Bridget Bax. Mostly updating her on my condition, and asking for details on the latest research and therapies for the disease. Well, come to find out, this therapy costs $6,100 a month. And I would have to travel to London to have it done. Unless of course, arrangements were made for me to have it done in the states, and my insurance would cover some of it... But I'm not sure about any of that yet because I haven't talked to anyone about it. I don't even know if I want to try another treatment attempt, to be honest.

I haven't been feeling too happy lately. Pretty depressed. I sit back and watch my friends back home go on with their lives, taking care of their families, going to school, having fun, etc. It's hard to watch when I feel all alone here. John has his friends, and I have a few people who would visit if I asked, or if they had the time, but I don't want visitors. I want to hang out. I want to go shopping, have fun with my friends. Instead I'm drowning myself in my artwork and internet and video games, and I feel alone.
My problem, though, is that I don't want to go home. I don't want to live there. I'd rather be where I'm already taken care of, with my doctors and everything. There's more to do here...

The last thing I want is a pity party, so I'm gonna stop complaining.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. Terry is taking us up Pikes Peak on the Cog Railway. I've never been, and I'm hoping it won't be too hot or cold for me. I better charge my camera.