I'm sorry if this upsets anyone. I need to let it go.

I also must apologize for the audio; my cooling fan was on.

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I honestly don't know what I should do about my recent accident issue. Last night it happened again, but this time was much worse. I didn't even wake up until it was already over, and when I did, I was soaking wet from my mid torso to my knees. I got up and pushed my TPN pole to the bathroom, cleaned myself up, grabbed some towels. I just wanted to go back to sleep. This morning I woke up and stripped the couch cushion, assuming the towels would have absorbed everything. I assumed wrong. The mess went totally through the cushion.

Can someone please explain to me how the hell that happened?! My bladder cannot be that big to hold that much piss within a few hours.

To make things worse, my husband told me I need to figure something out because he's tired of dealing with the cushion. I just want to cry. I'm more embarrassed than I have ever been in my entire life. I'm the one who has to deal with HAVING the accident. I have to clean it up. And all he can say is to figure something out.

So I'm a little angry, yeah. I'm frustrated, I'm scared, I feel disgusting.

We went to the grocery store today and I stood in the incontinence isle looking at all the pads. I have no idea what would work for me, and I'd rather not spend a shit ton of money on something that will leak. I don't know what to do.

I'm also pretty upset at the fact that I totally forgot to mention this issue to my doctor when I could.
Screw this. Screw all of this. So much for trying to be positive and keeping my spirits up. How the hell can I do that when so many things are going wrong?! I'm losing the feeling in my legs, for crying out loud.
I don't even want to keep typing right now.

My poor little feets.

I think my neuropathy is getting worse. For the last few days, I have noticed a decrease in feeling in my legs and feet. My feet and toes are excruciatingly cold, and whenever I try to warm them up in the bath, they start to get that weird tingly feeling, like you get when you're home from the dentist and your face starts to come back to life. Except, my toes never really come back all the way.

It's difficult to explain, but I'm kind of freaking out about it. I was walking down the street earlier to check the mail, and I swear I could barely feel my legs/feet. I was actually having trouble walking. I don't know if it's because I sit most of the day, and I need more exercise, or because my disease is progressing. Whichever it is, I need prayers. Lots of prayers. Prayers for strength, help in being calm, I don't know what else...

My nerves are really getting to me lately.

New PCM... Kind of? Also, bedwetting.

So I saw Dr. Scot Tebo today, assuming they were changing my primary care physician to him. I honestly don't remember what the guy at the Tricare office told us, so I don't know what happened with that.
Anyway, I do hope he becomes my PCM, because I really liked him. Apparently he's the chief of the Internal Medicine Clinic, and he's been briefed on my case by Dr. Phillips, who has been helping me get my TPN adjusted for the past few months.
I didn't have to repeat my entire medical history to him, because he had already done his homework and he had a stack of articles with him all about my condition, which I admired. He isn't an old fart, either, which is a major plus. I felt comfortable with him and he was pretty humorous, instead of constantly reminding me that my life has been basically cut in half, like most doctors do. So I hope I'm able to officially switch to him.

I've been exploring my spirituality further lately. Reading religious and spiritual books and blogs, trying to pray, focusing on what I am thankful for instead of sulking on what I'm going through. It's hard, and sometimes simply trying to do the opposite of what I usually do (which is worry) exhausts me and only causes me to break down because I'm not familiar with all this. I want to be happy. All day, every day, happiness. You know? But as human beings, we can't choose just one emotion. Oh, if only...

Part of my depression and frustration has been getting worse because I've been struggling with accidents at night. I did wet the bed when I was little for quite a while, but I grew out of it. Now I don't know why I won't wake up to go to the restroom. My TPN makes me piss like crazy, used to be every hour. And I'd get up when I had to go. But for the last couple weeks, I haven't been waking up until it's too late. So I end up soaking my clothes and the couch, having to do laundry in the middle of the night, etc. It's fucking embarrassing, and disgusting. I even have some of those accident chucks that they have in hospitals, but I'm running out. I've actually been sleeping in just my underwear to avoid soaking my clothes.
I don't know why it's suddenly happening. I've been on TPN since November last year, and this is a first for me. I can't help but hear my daddy telling me how lazy I am in my head... That's what he told me when I was little and had this problem. Too lazy to get up and go.
I think I'm just exhausted and my body just wants to sleep.
If anyone has any suggestions or ideas, please share. I'm stumped.

Ugh, I want to eat everything in my house right now. I can't stop thinking about crab meat. I can't wait until my birthday; I'm totally going to go to Joe's Crab Shack.

Disorganized thoughts.

My body has been kicking my butt lately. My temp is all over the place, I'm always freezing and I overheat if I turn the heat on for even a few minutes. I'm constantly sore. I don't know why it's been so bad this week, but I'm not digging it. I feel like pulling out my hair and screaming.

A few quick updates, I guess. We tried Cathflo for the third time Monday, this time for two hours. It kind of worked? I guess...? I mean Tina eventually got some blood, so yeah. It just took forever. And ever since whenever I flush/draw back, my port doesn't budge. It takes me a few tries to actually get it to work. So I'm starting to get a little worried about it.
To make matters worse, and more complicated, my PCM, Dr. Jung, is deploying soon, so I am left without a PCM and I now need to find one who would be willing to handle my case. Not that I ask much of my PCMs to begin with, besides med refills. But looking at my record, I'm sure anyone would be taken aback by my history... I just don't know any more doctors, so it's going to be a freaking blast figuring this out.

I finally got what I needed for my wheelchair to happen. We were having some issues with having to have a physical evaluation and who was going to do it and blah blah blah. But now that should be taken care of. But who knows when I'll actually get my chair.

It's just been a really hectic few weeks I guess. Aside from my amazing experiences with the horses... Although John and I did go to an art class yesterday, and we're going to go every Wednesday. I am, anyway. It just depends on his appointments whether he goes or not. I think it's more watercolor-oriented, but that's fine by me. It's keeping me entertained and busy, and I am okay with that. I haven't had time to browse Facebook in a couple days, and I feel pretty good about that, too.

Today was a pretty good one. I stayed offline for the most part and we went to have dinner at Terry's house. She made chicken, mashed potatoes, steamed broccoli, and biscuits. It was super yummy, but now of course I'm bloated and a little nauseated. Terry also had me pick out one of my drawings to have ironed on a t-shirt, and since most of my artwork consists of nude women, haha, I chose to put Harley Quinn on it. I'll take a picture of it tomorrow.

It was a really nice time and I enjoy spending time with her and learning about her life. It's nice to forget about everything I have going on.

This doesn't even begin to explain how they affect me.

Update:

I'm honestly not sure what my feelings are doing.
Yesterday I was a total mess. It was John's birthday, and my moods were going crazy and he didn't even know it. I spent a while outside just crying and writing in my prayer book, trying to make sense of my emotions.
Then today it's as if everything just changed, like a switch was flipped. My mood was pretty great to begin with because the weather was perfect. I thought it was going to be stormy and then I woke up this morning and the skies were clear! We left the house and went to pick up Terry, and headed over to the stables.

For today's session, we had Terry and Tammy (her daughter) along with us; Tammy was there with her camera to take pictures (which will be uploaded as soon as I get them!). They stood outside the gate while John, Judy (the instructor) and I went in to see the mares. There's Montana, Ally (who was being used for riding at the time), Chelsea, Jewel, and Raven. We walked around, saying hello to all of them; Chelsea and Raven were being lazy and laying down, so Judy eventually made them get up.

A few talks about their behaviors and watching them interact (Montana is the dominant mare, and she was making everyone aware of that!) and then Judy went and got a bridle and a lead. She put it on Raven and showed me how to direct Raven when walking. We walked around the corral for a bit, and then Judy let me take the lead. She showed me how to remove and put on the bridle, how to hold it, etc. After some practice, Judy let me take Raven all around the corral by myself! She kept her distance and eventually went to hang out with John and Terry, while I did my thing.

I don't know if any of you have ever experienced something like this, but I felt so light and so at peace with Raven. I would describe it as a spiritual awakening, but really it was much more than that. I felt connected with her, and I felt her sense of awareness and trust that she had in me while I was directing her. We stopped a few times and I pet her, talked to her with my movements, let her talk to me. When I say "talk" I don't mean like literally talking. More like communicating with my eyes and sense of motion. Only true animal lovers will get that.

After about 40 minutes of this, I took off the bridle and kept on petting and talking to her. She let me hug her and I kissed her on the forehead. 10 minutes later, I made my way over to the side to the others, and immediately after I got there, Raven started walking toward me! As if she didn't want me to go. Judy was in awe, and said that Raven has never done that with anyone before, not even the trainers.

A little later, the wind was picking up and we headed toward the barn. Judy stopped me and asked me a few things, like what I learned about Raven, what she likes, etc. Suddenly I just broke down. I felt so much from that experience and I was able to let go of so much stress I'd been carrying with me by simply being with Raven. Judy asked me what I was feeling, and all I could say was, "Free."

It was like a cheesy soap opera, but I shit you not, I felt more happy and at peace than I have ever felt in my entire life. I was crying like a damn baby at the end of that session. I didn't think about my disease at all for the entire session. I felt healthy. I felt like I was accepted into their little herd. And as I was bawling into Judy's shoulders, all of the mares came toward the gate and just gave us this look, as if to say "It's okay now."

It gives me chills just thinking about it.

I remember when I went to church with a friend once, and it was really intense, like I felt God through me... I remember being so emotional. The same happened when I was Baptized for the first time at my other friend's church. There was a lot of emotion and I felt very connected to whatever, or whoever, was running through my body.

This experience I had with Raven? It was much stronger than that. I will admit that I am still confused and uncertain about believing in God, even though I want to. But I am 110% sure about the powers of these horses, and I hope with everything in me that whoever reads this blog entry believes in what I am saying. It may be cheesy but it's what I feel. I believe that this could cure me. And if it doesn't, so what? At least I'll die fulfilled and happy.

Wow.

I haven't updated in a few days, and I'm feeling pretty damn good right now, so I decided maybe I should. I would say that not a lot has been going on, but I'd be lying to you and to myself. I guess I expect the worst things to come about and when they don't happen, I feel like nothing has happened at all. Does that make sense? Anyway, I'm tired of being a pessimistic Patty and I realize that I need to start paying more attention to the good things that go on in my life.

In posting these blogs I've noticed that my thoughts get kind of jumbled and out of order, but I'm too lazy to go back and organize things, so bare with me here.

I'm still having issues with my port drawing back blood, and flushing has become a little sluggish; hopefully another try with Cathflo will help. It's kinda freaking me out. I've stopped taking the COQ10, I don't know if I've mentioned that yet. When I started taking it I started having intense abdominal pain, and I guess GI issues are a common side effect of taking it, and no one informed me of that... We are still tweaking my TPN, basically playing with the insulin and whatnot. So far so good, I suppose. It's just a matter of getting things situated.

On to the awesome stuff. Remember the GIGSS? Well, we've had an amazing experience with these great women, and I have been considered "adopted" by a few of them. Terry is a GIG who has so very generously taken me out shopping for new clothes, which has reestablished my confidence in getting dressed up. She has also taken John and I out to eat a few times, and stays in touch with us daily to see how we're doing. I am so grateful for these ladies and I honestly don't want to move now because I've never been happier than I am now.

To add to my happiness, I've started therapy at the Pikes Peak Therapeutic Riding Center, I think I mentioned this before. We went there to fill out our paperwork and meet the owner Thursday, and then my first actual appointment was today. We introduced ourselves to the mares and geldings and I swear I couldn't stop smiling the entire time I was in the corral. I didn't want to leave, and I know I'll be totally heartbroken when we eventually have to move away.

I don't think many people understand how much animals can heal a person.


I spent the entire day having fun and just being myself, being happy with horses and hanging out with John, visiting with Terry, taking pictures, and just feeling good overall. I don't want this to end.