This doesn't even begin to explain how they affect me.

Update:

I'm honestly not sure what my feelings are doing.
Yesterday I was a total mess. It was John's birthday, and my moods were going crazy and he didn't even know it. I spent a while outside just crying and writing in my prayer book, trying to make sense of my emotions.
Then today it's as if everything just changed, like a switch was flipped. My mood was pretty great to begin with because the weather was perfect. I thought it was going to be stormy and then I woke up this morning and the skies were clear! We left the house and went to pick up Terry, and headed over to the stables.

For today's session, we had Terry and Tammy (her daughter) along with us; Tammy was there with her camera to take pictures (which will be uploaded as soon as I get them!). They stood outside the gate while John, Judy (the instructor) and I went in to see the mares. There's Montana, Ally (who was being used for riding at the time), Chelsea, Jewel, and Raven. We walked around, saying hello to all of them; Chelsea and Raven were being lazy and laying down, so Judy eventually made them get up.

A few talks about their behaviors and watching them interact (Montana is the dominant mare, and she was making everyone aware of that!) and then Judy went and got a bridle and a lead. She put it on Raven and showed me how to direct Raven when walking. We walked around the corral for a bit, and then Judy let me take the lead. She showed me how to remove and put on the bridle, how to hold it, etc. After some practice, Judy let me take Raven all around the corral by myself! She kept her distance and eventually went to hang out with John and Terry, while I did my thing.

I don't know if any of you have ever experienced something like this, but I felt so light and so at peace with Raven. I would describe it as a spiritual awakening, but really it was much more than that. I felt connected with her, and I felt her sense of awareness and trust that she had in me while I was directing her. We stopped a few times and I pet her, talked to her with my movements, let her talk to me. When I say "talk" I don't mean like literally talking. More like communicating with my eyes and sense of motion. Only true animal lovers will get that.

After about 40 minutes of this, I took off the bridle and kept on petting and talking to her. She let me hug her and I kissed her on the forehead. 10 minutes later, I made my way over to the side to the others, and immediately after I got there, Raven started walking toward me! As if she didn't want me to go. Judy was in awe, and said that Raven has never done that with anyone before, not even the trainers.

A little later, the wind was picking up and we headed toward the barn. Judy stopped me and asked me a few things, like what I learned about Raven, what she likes, etc. Suddenly I just broke down. I felt so much from that experience and I was able to let go of so much stress I'd been carrying with me by simply being with Raven. Judy asked me what I was feeling, and all I could say was, "Free."

It was like a cheesy soap opera, but I shit you not, I felt more happy and at peace than I have ever felt in my entire life. I was crying like a damn baby at the end of that session. I didn't think about my disease at all for the entire session. I felt healthy. I felt like I was accepted into their little herd. And as I was bawling into Judy's shoulders, all of the mares came toward the gate and just gave us this look, as if to say "It's okay now."

It gives me chills just thinking about it.

I remember when I went to church with a friend once, and it was really intense, like I felt God through me... I remember being so emotional. The same happened when I was Baptized for the first time at my other friend's church. There was a lot of emotion and I felt very connected to whatever, or whoever, was running through my body.

This experience I had with Raven? It was much stronger than that. I will admit that I am still confused and uncertain about believing in God, even though I want to. But I am 110% sure about the powers of these horses, and I hope with everything in me that whoever reads this blog entry believes in what I am saying. It may be cheesy but it's what I feel. I believe that this could cure me. And if it doesn't, so what? At least I'll die fulfilled and happy.