I need something.

I feel like I'm losing control. I don't want to feel this way. I know deep down that I can choose to be happy, I can choose to see my body as getting better. But the fact that I feel worse every day just puts those thoughts back where they came from. It's like living in hell. No matter what I do I can't seem to shake the nausea. I can't stop the stomach pains. Even if I stop eating food completely, I still have problems.

I weigh 64 pounds. Since my TPN started helping me gain, I got up to 69, and now I've lost 5 pounds. I don't know how or why, but I'm scared. Really, really scared. I look in the mirror and start crying because all I see are bones. My back is constantly hurting, but I can't pop it. I can't really eat because of everything going on, so my TPN is pretty much the only thing keeping me alive right now.

I remember a moment when we were in New York, in the hotel, I asked John if assisted suicide was legal. Like if I just couldn't take it anymore, would the hospital essentially euthanize me... My logic in this is that I don't want to die from the pain of a diverticulitis attack. And I don't want to slowly go from MNGIE, because I know it'll only progress and things will get worse. But I would be okay if someone could just put me to sleep.

That's hard for me to think about, because I know that's definitely not the attitude I should have. But being optimistic is so hard. I want to know a god. I want him to be there for me and answer my prayers, to give me some kind of peace. I want to have faith in him, and be okay with everything happening... I just don't know how I can get past this pain.