Jeez I just never know how to start these things.

I've started wearing bandanas instead of the old hat I have. It's become pretty itchy and since the weather's getting a little warmer, I figured a bandana would be better suited for my afro-esque hairdo.

I've been feeling pretty good lately, after an episode of intense abdominal pains (which are gone, by the way). It's been a pretty long weekend. John's uncle arrived Thursday morning and they've been all over the place since. We went to Garden of the Gods Friday morning. That was fun, but also very tiring.

I've gotten in some pretty awesome bracelet-making and napping and just doing what I want. Today I got my dressing changed and was able to take a nice long shower. I was going to shave my legs but I ended up being too lazy and just enjoyed the hot water instead.

Last week I started not using lantus. Lantus is the long acting insulin I used to stab myself in the leg with. I no longer have to deal with that! High fives all around! This next TPN shipment should include more lipids and more insulin, meaning more calories and hopefully more weight gain for me. I want so badly to gain more weight, and because I can't handle a lot of protein, shakes and smoothies haven't been working out very well.

Tomorrow I have an appointment to see my PCM, and I'm not quite sure what I'm going to say to him. I did have a few concerns but now I'm not as worried as I was. I guess I'll ask him about COQ10 and whether he thinks I would benefit from it. But knowing him he'll probably ignore me and tell me to ask my GI doctor because he would know more. Ugh. Fuck it. Maybe I should just try it myself.

For the past few days I've made some pretty big inner decisions for myself and my well being. I'm tired of feeling like I can't do something, or feeling like there's no hope for me. As a realist, however, I know that the last thing I need to do for myself is set up false hopes. I also believe in mind-over-matter, and that if I truly put my mind to it, I could very well heal myself. Maybe not cure my disease, but I could help my body fight it in a healthier way.

I've decided to keep trying to eat. I don't care what it will take for me to be able to keep it down, but I'm willing to try anything. I want to get more nutrients in my body through food, and not just the TPN. I want to drink teas and actually feel them heal my digestive system. I am determined to make this happen for myself, and anyone who doesn't believe in me will be erased from my life.

I have made a decision to simply live and not die. Not yet. It is not my time. I feel very strongly that I haven't done yet what I was put on the earth to do, and I will do it before I stop breathing, whatever it may be.