I was going to try and type up a happier blog post, but I swear the universe is out to get me right now. I just can't win, can I? This morning around 2am, I threw up everything I ate yesterday. That wasn't fun at all. I'm angry because everything I ate yesterday were easy things and things I knew I could digest well. Including chicken noodle soup. It's not fucking fair!!
When I woke up this morning, I weighed myself, and the scale said 59.6 lbs. FIFTY-NINE. That's a new low for me. I feel like yelling and kicking and screaming and crying. Throwing things. I can honestly say now that I am not happy with the life I have been given. I am so pissed at God it's not even funny, and all I want to do is pound on something and ask why the fuck he had to do this to me.
I've tried to count my blessings and show my gratitude for the things I have, but do you even know how hard that is while I'm carrying this stupid disease around? Shit keeps happening to me and it's like I'm not allowed to be happy or okay.
I do know I have plenty to be grateful for, and more than what I could ever imagine. But is it so bad to be angry and hurt that I can't really enjoy anything without feeling like shit first?
I am so done.
If you have read The Shack then you know its ok to be pissed, mad, yell, scream because God will be patient. I have even been so angry and didnt realize until after I read this book that I was allowed to get mad. It hit me so hard I sounded like a howling dog. I thought who the hell was I to get mad at God. He gave me my sons situation. He gave it to me for a reason. I know it sounds like crap but after I allowed myself to get mad, I was more at peace with my sons situation. I just wish you had more help. My son thinks he is a burden and he couldnt be more wrong. I have waded throught his crap, literally! and just kept going. He worries and gets upset sometimes and I would too. Your human! Allow yourself. Prayers and soothing thoughts are coming your way.
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