Happy Rare Disease Day!

Er... Should it be Merry Rare Disease Day? I dunno.

So this week has definitely had it's ups and downs. Mostly downs. A few highlights:

• Dressing change went terrible. Details below.
• Choked on my own vomit; almost died. Very scary.
• Shared my beads and bracelets with my therapist, that was fun.
• Cooked a HUGE pot of spaghetti and had a breakdown.

All the while dealing with abdominal pain from hell. Not fun.

Mondays are my dressing change days. I go to the hospital, check in at the clinic, and wait for Leo to change my dressing and needle. This was the second time he wasn't there. Okay, so I'll come back on Tuesday, no big deal... A little irritated. Tuesday comes, we call and see if he's back. Nope. Now I'm pissed off. "He should be back tomorrow." Wednesday comes. No Leo. By now I'm blowing up Facebook, surely annoying all my friends, ranting and raving about being pissed and hating Evans and blah blah blah. I need my dressing changed pronto. One of my biggest worries is getting an infection and having to have my line pulled and replaced. I know it'll probably happen eventually, but I've only had this damn thing for a month. So John's head is spinning trying to find someone to change my port. He was waiting on a call back from the cancer center. The Evans ER can't do it, only god knows why. No one at my PCM's clinic can do it. I can't go to Memorial because of insurance reasons. Absolutely ridiculous. Finally, the cancer center calls back and says they can get me in. So we drive the 10 miles to their facility and voila! I get my damn dressing change three days late.

My experience there was incredible. We were only there for maybe 15 minutes, where going to the clinic at Evans would have taken an hour or two (YEAH). The staff was very nice. And even though I had to sit in a room full of elderly sick people who were receiving fluids and chemo and whatnot (reminded me of that movie, 50/50... anyone see that? Love it.), I felt very comfortable being there. The chairs were comfy, too. The nurse who came to change my dressing said my port looked beautiful, no sign of infection, aside from my skin being irritated from the dressing. She asked me like three times how we were on supplies, and gave us more dressings just in case. She changed my dressing in less than 5 minutes, and was even as gentle and sterile as she was supposed to be. My only problem, though, is the dressing she put on isn't really sticking very well, and even though she said it was safe to take a shower, I'm not gonna risk that. I just taped the sides down.

After that was done, we went back to Evans to see my case manager, Johelen. She's an amazing case manager, I can't believe how much she has gotten done for us. Anyway, we had to see her because she needed me to sign a paper for the ECHO program. I took my Palliative Care pamphlets with me to show her, she looked them over, and wrote down the info. I explained what it was and how it would help me, and she mentioned that Tricare may not pay for this if I am also receiving home care (ECHO program). The reason they want me in that is to get me a way to have my dressings changed when the clinic closes. However, I would be totally okay with going to the cancer center for my changes. So if I like the palliative care, I can just forget about ECHO. Did all that make sense? haha. In short, palliative care and cancer center, or ECHO program.

Another thing we talked about was getting me a wheelchair. I can barely walk two yards without having pain somewhere, whether it be back pains, leg pains, abdominal pains, etc. I get winded very easily and have to sit down almost immediately whenever we stop somewhere. Because I can't eat, I don't have the energy during the day that food could provide. Since I can still walk, I would get one of those fold-up wheelchairs to just take places. It's taken me a while to accept the fact that I need one, but I guess the time has come.

We finally got home at around 5, and I gave myself my insulin and started dinner for the guys. I made double the amount of spaghetti I usually make. It was okay, it just really sucked that I wasn't able to eat any. I had an icee in the fridge that John had got for me on the way home, seems like that's all I can handle nowadays, even though they go right through me. I went to take it out so I could go sit down and enjoy it, but I guess my hand slipped and I dropped the cup. Icee went everywhere, all over the kitchen floor and my right foot. John, bless him so, immediately got up and started grabbing napkins, helping me clean it all up. I started to cry, of course; had to sit down and just let the tears flow. The last time something like this happened, I had dropped the roll of paper towels in the sink while the water was running, and it just set me off. After John finished what he was cleaning, he came over and hugged me, asked me what was wrong. Honestly when these things happen, I can never come up with an answer right away. But then I realized that it's the same thing that's been wrong for a few weeks now. I can't do anything anymore. I don't have the energy. I want to clean so badly. I want to sweep and mop the floors, and use PineSol so I can smell the lemony awesomeness. I want to wipe down things with the Lysol wipes and reorganize my area. I want to vacuum the carpet and clean the tables. I feel like people see me as a lazy bum, not even trying to get up and out, but people don't understand. I AM trying. I try very hard. I can't help that I run out of spoons so fast*. One time, before I knew about all this MNGIE crap, and my energy was already starting to go away, one of my "friends" got in my face and called me lazy and boring because I never felt like hanging out. She said, "You're always moping around, doing nothing but sitting at your house online or something. You never DO anything."

I wasn't sure what to say because I didn't know why I didn't feel like doing anything. It's not that I never want to, I do. I would love to be able to go out and have fun like I used to. Go places, goof off, go window shopping, walk around outside, site-seeing. I'd also love to be able to have a damn job, and earn my own money. But the thing is, I can't. I just can't do those things anymore. People don't get that I can't just replenish my energy. It's not like taking your pokemon to Nurse Joy.

Well, I kind of went off topic there for a bit, didn't I? Oh well.

Next week I have a hematology appointment Monday, therapy on Tuesday, and a GI appointment on Wednesday. I'll be bringing up the g-tube situation then.

*For more info on the Spoon Theory, clicky clicky.

I hate Sundays.

It only means Monday is right behind it. Ugh. I hate the start of a new week.

There's a program called Beads of Courage that helps families and patients cope with their illnesses, and I wanted to get involved somehow. I'm almost too old to apply for the program, so with the help of a friend, I decided to start my own. I had to tweak the guides a bit but eh, same difference. I tried to add beads corresponding to as much as I could remember. Each bead represents an obstacle or milestone I've gone through in the last 5 years. My name represents when I was diagnosed. Some of the obstacles are condensed because, well, my string would be 10ft long if I included everything. Right now this string is about 3ft long. I'm hoping this (and the rest of the crafty stuff I'm starting) will help me cope with all I'm going through.

The rest of the crafty stuff I'm talking about includes friendship bracelet-making, and various things involving gimp string. I've been wanting to draw more, but every time I get my materials out nothing happens.

I ran out of my script of Zantac Thursday and just got some OTC today. Between then and now I've been absolutely miserable. Last night I barely slept at all because I spent most of the night in the bathroom dry-heaving. It's really uncomfortable when you have nothing in your stomach but get the urge to vomit anyway.

This weekend was a four-day for the hubs, because of President's Day. It's been pretty fun. Friday we had our friend, Kathy's son over (who of course stayed the night), and hung out with Spencer. I tagged along to gun places and went to lunch with them. It was fun and good to get out, but I was achy and nauseous the whole time and eventually barfed at the brewery we went to... good times...

Austin, John, and Spencer

Saturday, we went to Walmart and I bought all my artsy supplies. Also went to the mall for a bit, and I got some Auntie Anne's pretzel bites. Best ever! I couldn't eat them all but it was delicious. Today was slower than yesterday; Austin went home yesterday afternoon so John and I had the day together. I had forgotten a few things for my beading, so we went to Michael's to pick some stuff up. Then we got groceries and came home, him to his video games and me to my beads. It was a long day.

My PCM appointment is Tuesday. Sometimes I hate holiday weekends, especially when there's something you really want to get over with. Mehr.

Happy Valentine's Day! ♥

Love is in the air and the sun is shining and birds are singing and I feel GREAT!
...aaand I am totally lying through my teeth.

Nah, it's been an okay day I guess. John gave me my Valentine's gifts like a week ago, though because he simply couldn't wait. haha. He got me a card, in which he wrote a sweet note in), a box of chocolates (which I can't eat, but he saw me eyeing the box at the store), and some iTunes credit. He knows me oh so well.

The card says, "I love you so much baby, your my everything.

Id do anything for you and I hope you continue to stay strong. Im always here for you.

Ill love you forever, never less always more.

I Love You XOXO"

I love him so much, grammatical errors an' all. haha. 

So today we went to Musashi's for lunch. I had been craving it for a few months now. I got what I always get, the #8 (filet mignon) with fried rice and a Shirley Temple. John got two orders of fried rice and two orders of shrimp. We were the first ones seated because we got there as soon as they opened, and then everyone else started coming in, so I'm glad we were there early.

As always, the food was amazing. I couldn't finish even half of it, though; the rest is sitting in the fridge. Ever since we left the place my tummy's been rumbling and I've been pretty uncomfortable. And when we got home I went straight to the couch to lay down. All day I've been having to run to the bathroom every few minutes, and tossing and turning with my heating pad on high...

But I'll be damned if I let this get me down today. I went to Musashi's Japanese Restaurant with the love of my life for lunch, and all this gross uncomfortableness was SO worth it. So suck on that.