I am so tired. I don't know for sure if it's the gabapentin or that I'm actually just plain tired. I haven't had the greatest couple of days. Yesterday and this morning I woke up with soiled clothes. I had to wake John up both times for help. I'll have to buy more underwear because I've ruined so many. I don't think people understand how embarrassed I am of myself now. I almost don't like going out anymore because we have to drag my wheelchair out, and I feel like I'm in everyone's way.
How do you adjust to a life of illness and disability when all you've known for 17 years has been semi-normal? I thought it'd be easier than this.
John and I are getting sick of each other, I think. We had a fight the other day, it was stupid. I was being a bitch and he was holding everything in... It ended with him throwing my phone through a wall. We didn't talk to each other for a couple hours, and then he acted like nothing was wrong. I'm still kind of irked at him for that, and I try to get him to open up with me more, but I know he won't. I told him I think we need a break, and he agrees, but we can't take one because I need him. I just don't know how much he needs me...
This whole thing is frustrating for everyone involved. That's one reason I don't want to move back home. Everyone will have to take care of the sick bitch in the wheelchair. Want to go somewhere? Gotta take the sick bitch with us. The sick bitch shit herself again, gotta clean it up. Watch out, she might barf on you.
There has been quite a lot of rain here in the last few days. Flooding all over Colorado. I like it, but the flooding really gets in the way. I won't be able to go see the horses tomorrow because I don't want my wheelchair getting stuck. (oh, did I mention I'm seeing them again?)
I've been praying... But I haven't felt God for a while, to be honest. It seems like I give up more often than not now. I always want to cry, and I'm always on edge. Yesterday we went out to a Chinese buffet for dinner, and it was raining really hard on the way home. I guess John hit a dip in the highway and I had I small anxiety attack. I was hyperventilating all the way home. I've become more and more scared of things, like driving. I don't drive, obviously, but my body immediately tenses up when I get in the car. Maybe I'm just still afraid of dying, and the car has nothing to do with it.
Grocery shopping day. I hope it goes better than the last time we went.
I know we have different illnesses but we do share some things that we are both going through. I have been in a wheelchair now for almost a year I usually tell my husband and kids to go places without me because I feel like a burden. I can't even wear underwear because my catheter leaks and stains anything I wear. I have black and navy blue sheets so when they get changed you don't see it. I really wish we could meet in person because we share so many of the same anxieties even before I figured out I was getting sick I would have horrible panic attacks, even seeing break lights 150 feet away freaks me out if my husband isn't starting to break as well. I also take gabapentin and have for years and it doesn't make me tired but it affects everyone differently so It may make you tired. I guess what I'm trying to say is that your not alone. My husband and I have moments where things are not great and he and I won't even talk to each other because we are both so tired of either being the caregiver or being the person that always needs help. I don't know about you but being the second person that always needs help makes me feel vulnerable and it scares me. If you ever need to talk please don't hesitate to call me or pm me. I probably need to hear what you have to say as much as you need to say it. Giving up is easy and I find myself in that cycle a lot. I hope you find peace with what you are going through soon. I hope I do as well. If I master it I promise to share the secret. Always love to you, Jess
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